Saturday, August 27, 2005
A Puddle OF Mush!
This is how I would describe myself for the past week. I have cried more this week then I have in the past 2 years. I've been doing some serious soul searching to figure out why I've been such a mess....This is what I have come up with.
As I've mentioned before...I tend to label myself with such phrases as 'In Control'....'Level headed'....'Strong', these are hard labels to live up to and I'm always very hard on myself when I fall short.
I've decided that it all started with the Moose accident, Baby Girl and friends were with me, I'm supposed to protect them and I could have killed us all, this really shook me to the core, I had NO CONTROL over this.
Then Baby girl's Mr. Perfect broke up with her...I saw this heartbreak coming and I was powerless to do anything about it. I knew that it was inevitable but I'd really hoped that it would be a mutual decision between the two of them that the 2.5 hour distance issue was just too hard to overcome. Again...I had no control.
The Big Guy is headed back to college in a week, yes, he has been driving me crazy...dirty cloths...dirty dishes...smelly room, but I have been able to see him every day, to give him a hug every night, to see that he was safe and happy. At college....I have no CONTROL!
Baby girl is headed back to high school, back to old friends, some of whom I do NOT like. The old worries will resurface. The fun week-ends at camp with all the kids will end. Again nobody asked MY permission...I am supposed to be in CONTROL!
My best friend, Good sister's life is in upheaval again, she is too overloaded with 'personal issues' to listen to me, she would be upset to hear me say this but it's true...How can I tell her that I feel like a failure for not being able to protect those I love when Her Child Is Dead...She has always told me that she thought it was her job to protect Vannah and failed...my failure is so insignificent in comparison...I can't possibly talk to her about it. On this issue I WILL retain CONTROL.
The days are getting shorter...the nights are getting cooler....Change is coming.
So...in conclusion....I guess that I have come to the conclusion that my terrible week is due to my dreadful CONTROL ISSUES!
I am feeling better today...It's been nearly 16 hours since I shed a tear!
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