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Monday, May 30, 2005
June 3, 2002
Started like any other day, got up, kids to school, hubby off to his job, me off to mine. At lunch I was telling my co workers about this funky "freshmen Survival Kit" I was putting together for my Niece, Savannah's graduation party, she was graduation on the 6th, by dinner time I was writing her obituary. Just after lunch I got a phone call from one of Sister Terri's co-workers telling me that Vannah had been in a bad car accident and that I should come right away, meet Terri at the ER, they were going to stabilizer Vannah where she was and then life flight her to Bangor, about 1 1/2 hours from where I was. I left hubby home with kids, got my dad and headed to the hospital, the entire trip down I was playing out worst case scenarios in my head, thinking how much time I would take off to help Terri care for her daughter's injuries, expecting broken bones, stitched, rehab of some sort. I arrived at the hospital and met sister and husband coming around the ER desk, she looked at me and said "She's gone" It took me a minute to comprehend what she was saying to me, I couldn't believe that she was dead...I still have a hard time saying that, just a short time before I arrived the doctors had told Terri and her husband that Vannah was brain dead and asked them if she should be taken off Life Support, thankfully that was a decision that they would never have to take, moments later they were told that her heart had also stopped. I "felt" for 5 minutes and then switched to survival mode. Terri and husband were in no shape to face the things that needed to be done next. I went to the ER waiting room, where many of Vannah's friends had gathered and gave them the terrible news, I escorted them to the room where her body still lay so that they could say there final good -bys, I called home to let my husband know, he got the kids and headed to Terri's house. I stayed there for 10 days. I couldn't beleive that I was planning a funeral for my niece, my first baby, a child who just one day before was full of life, with hopes, with dreams....but I was. I did everything in my power to help Terri through those first few days, It was hell for me to see her so distraut, so helpless and know that there was nothing that I could do to ease her pain. Vannah had been headed back for marching practice at her high school,one of her best friends was behind the wheel, it was a beautiful, sunny day, great driving conditions, no drugs, no alcohol, just excessive speed and driver inattentions, the car was going about90 in a 45, the last thing that the driver remembers was Vannah telling him to slow down, he lost control of the car, jumped a guard rail and a brook, Van was thrown from the car and the car landed on her, she was not wearing a seat belt, the driver was and only suffered a broken arm. Because of the kind of accident that it was the ME took the "body" for an autopsy and they really didn't give a damn that she had a family waiting to lay her to rest, it was 3 days before she was released to the undertaker. The next time that I "felt" was the day that I went to the high school to pick up her cap and gown, Terri wanted her to be viewed in it. I fell apart at the school in front of people that I didn't even know, I sobbed uncontrollably for an hour before I headed back to her mother's house. We did see her in her graduation attire, It's supposed to be a happy time, it wasn't I had to force Terri to leave her side so that the undertaker could finish his work. Because of the amount of time that had passed we were unable to have the viewing that my sister wanted, the autopsy had done too much damage, I was told "we just can't keep her together" why did they think that I needed to know that? Did they think that just because I was keeping my composure that I didn't care? That wasn't the case at all, I cared....alot. We had her service in the gymnasium of the High school, there were several hundred people there. Vannah's english final had been to write a "memory" book, in it she wrote of her feelings for the people around her, alot of that book was read at her funeral, one of the things I remember is "You shouldn't be afriad of death...you should be afraid of not living", I thought that was very deep for such a young girl. Vannah was a big girl and one of her teachers got up and said "It's wasn't Vannah's size that filled a room, it was her personaity" that was very true, she had a laugh that could light up the largest of rooms and a smile that could make anyone feel comfortable. Well it will be 3 years on Friday and the world is still spinning, I'll spend the day with Terri, we'll cry alot "she calls it melt down" and we will laugh alot, I'm not sure what else she will want to do but whatever it is I will be with her because no matter how hard it is on me I know that it is far worse for her. I miss Vannah very much, but I expected that, what I did't expect is how hard it has been to watch the changes in my sister, I morn as much for the parts of her that are lost as I do for the loss of Vannah. I never realized just how important NORMAL could be. I really want that again.....soon.
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